I love colour…
Take Cabbage. People tend to associate Cabbage with a ‘boring’ food. Just look at it growing in a new light though, and the rich purple contrasts against green in the most vibrant way.
Thankfully, Spring is here. Admittedly, it’s been a turbulent one so far, with its surprise snow, and determined angstsy rainstorms. But when is life not like that!? Welcome the storms of ice, rain, sunshine, sand and rainbow…
It’s time to see the colour in the so called ‘mundane’, once again!
Hidden, lie the unseen branches
Vanished, now- unseen green bloom
Deathly claws frosting, winter gloom
Tender, sleep stems, beneath chill moon
Fallow, the heart of breathless Earth
Yet still come the brave, to spear through
Ice glazed armour
You will see me though.
Donald Trump is not stupid.
That might come as a shock to many people and quite frankly it comes as a shock to me too. Especially given the endless stream of nonsense that emanates from that orange blob. It is true though, he is not stupid. Even after he came out today, in the wake of yet another mass shooting, to determine that guns are in no way relevant after a man killed 26* men, women and children… with a gun. But the gun wasn’t relevant so we don’t need to talk about it. By the way, 26 dead makes it the deadliest shooting in Texan history, which comes only weeks after the deadliest shooting in US history. That wasn’t the time to talk about guns either, apparently. If you are keeping score though that brings the mass shooting tally to 307 mass shootings in 309 days.
In fact, it is…
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So, I have realised today, that it’s about time I started digging again. Digging properly, digging for me, and for the sake of future flowers/food.
I also need to begin writing again. Writing properly. Writing for me, and for any others who are interested, or happen to relate to any of the issues I find myself blogging about, over the months.
Months, in the past tense, being felt by their very own- memory hoarding piece of Neurological equipment, if you like- as though having passed, in the way of being ‘lost at sea’, and totally at the mercy of the waves.
See when I try to remember, in any kind of meaningful, contingent or chronological manner, the streetlight like glow, of the traumatic events which turned last year into a living nightmare for me, it isn’t exactly a straightforward process.
Perhaps with more time (admittedly, time truly can prove to be a fairly decent Nurse), those memories will begin to feel less raw. Then, perhaps, they could manage to form some kind of structure. Such as a pattern of rocks, washed up on a beach.
Until then, it would appear, my life and the words which seem to need writing, will have to crack on. In a positive, and productive way. So, let’s begin with the latest Dig for Victory style project!
Over March, and now that the so called ‘beast from the east’ and other snow related weather events, are seemingly hushed for now, I intend to try my luck at creating as much ‘garden’ and growing space, as possible, using only a very limited space, which is technically just a balcony.
I will have to think of inventive ways, to build what should look, feel, and hopefully, function as, a small garden, upon something which feels more like a windowsill, than an allotment, let’s face it.
Watch this space, I therefore add!
For there will be pictures of an on-going process, which hopefully can succeed, in turning a canvas of predominantly, grey emptiness, into a vibrant and green honey bee’s playground (sorry neighbours… Bees were here first, and the honey they make is well worth having to see more of them ‘buzzing around’).
Someone who has been helping me to recover from a fairly horrendous event, showed me a video, which addresses the issue of ‘Consent’, in the realm of Sex.
It’s important, but not all of us like talking about it. We don’t necessarily mind talking about sex, or tea, for that matter, when it is good. It depends who you’re with, even just when it comes to talking about it, right?
The thing is, it turns out that sadly, there do exist some individuals in the world, who need some assistance with coming to understand, what ‘Consent’ is. What is ‘yes’, what is ‘no’. The person who shared this with me, explained how she felt it was a really important video for younger people to be able to watch, too, for educational purposes. I agree. It doesn’t matter who you are, where you came from, this issue of what constitutes ‘Consent’, matters. Saying this, actually, I will say that the video applies really, to ‘adults’, or legal age of above 16, according to UK law, who are deemed to be capable of making decisions. But I still say the video applies to all, because while legal issues surrounding consent do take on additional force, for those dealing with ‘Consent’ who are under a certain age, the matter at hand- Do you want to engage in this activity with me, or not- remains the same.
This may not be a totally uplifting post, but it is a necessary one, I think!
Take a look at this article I stumbled across, written by a fellow blogger…
It truly just explains a hell of a lot, it tells a story, offers a chance for a reader to step inside the shoes of another, a whole different world in a way, yet still so very real, and of this world today!
Hear out the Nurses!
Okay, so I know that technically, it is still January.
There is indeed, still a chance of frost, a pretty big chance of it, at that. It’s still cold, it’s still dark for too many hours, and no, I guess the plants and flowers-to-be, aren’t exactly aching or burning with intense desire, to poke their head out from under the soil, embrace the frosty daylight, and scream with passion:
Overly optimistic flower– “I’m ready! Bees? Where the devil are you, come and Pollenate me!
Cold!? Me? No way, we’re in Britain!
Look! There’s the sun, that’s what the humans look out for to validate their ‘bikini weather, is it not!? Why can’t I behave like a true Brit for once, and get brave to bare all?”
No, I have seen enough of reality now, to understand that this is never going to happen, despite how much I wish I could hurry along the months, to get to the point when the Earth is ready to be tilled, the plant pots filled with new compost, and the seeds safely sprinkled.
There are things we can do, there is hope yet, for those who crave freshly sprouting seedlings, the first hints of glorious Green, that reminder that Spring is on it’s way, maybe not now, but soon!
So, fellow gardeners, don’t despair! Here is a list for those who cannot wait, like myself, which I have conjured up, to share with anyone interested…
Garden/allotment Jobs for January, or at least February:
Sow indoors (e.g. windowsill) or in a greenhouse:
1) Begonia – These are slower to flower from seed, so getting a good head start by sowing seeds indoors, at this early stage of January/February, isn’t a bad idea for those who love a beautiful Begonia.
Begonias will eventually flower come July- October and November even!
2) Sweet Peas– Sow in a glass house/greenhouse, or cool place indoors (i.e. next to a windowsill)
Sweet Peas start to flower from May/June to August!
3) Brassicas (such as Cauliflower, Summer Cabbage, Brussel Sprouts)- Start sowing these early, under cover (perhaps try a polytunnel)
4) Leeks– Start sowing these now, under cover. They need a long growing season, so starting early, provided they are protected under cover, is a good plan.
5) Broad Beans– Providing the risk of frost isn’t too great, you can start sowing the hardier varieties of Broad Beans, directly outdoors, into the soil.
6) Raspberry canes and blackberries– Check first that the soil isn’t waterlogged or frozen. You’re good to start planting Raspberry canes and other fruit bushes like Gooseberries, outdoors!
7) Dahlias– You can sow these beautiful flowers-to-be indoors, now. Generally it’s best if they’re left to germinate at a temperature around 15 degrees C- 20 degrees C.
Dahlias will eventually flower from July up to October!
8) Snowdrops– Now is a great time to establish new colonies of Snowdrops, those well known, iconic and heavily reassuring, first flowers to often appear, during those testing post-Christmas, post- Winter Solstice weeks. If possible, it might be a good idea to go out and buy Snowdrops which are already flowering (from local garden centre, markets and some supermarkets such as Morrisons), because then of course you get the head start, and can personally select those which you feel are already looking healthy, pretty and encouraging!
9) Tulips– These bulbs which will come to life in Spring, can delightfully be planted now, even in January. In fact it’s best to plant Spring bulbs such as these, as early on as possible, because (wonderfully), Spring will arrive before we know it!
So, what are you waiting for? Can’t wait for compost? Neither can I!
Hopefully, I have been able to inspire readers, with some confidence, and remind fellow lovers of plant companionship, that the (seemingly) endless Winter desolation we have all been contending with recently. It’s time to reawaken some eagerly anticipated colour in our lives!
They will have talked.
The ‘colleagues’, the ‘friends‘. The so called ‘team’.
“From what i’ve heard”…
I was once someone, happy, and intrigued…
used to be me.
For some strange and ridiculous reason, I was stupid enough to try working for the NHS.
I was stupid enough to think that someone, who was a Staff Nurse, within the NHS Trust I worked for, on the same ward I worked on, was ‘trustworthy’, and didn’t realise his manipulation techniques, and sinister motives, before it was too late. I thought, that night, when I rushed over to go and see him where he lives, that he was genuinely in need of support and help, since he had phoned me in a state of distress, threatening to end his own life, and/or start burning things and people, or himself, if I didn’t come round to see him within the ‘next 30 minutes’. He gave me directions, and like a fool, I followed them, to his location. There, he raped me.
FYI- He is thankfully no longer able to work as a nurse, due to the charges brought against him by the police, who I was able to bring myself to report the crime to, once i’d managed to get away from there, driving as helplessly, frantically and desperately away, as I could manage.
That’s enough for me to say for now. I’m still waiting for some of the counselling I desperately need, to help me come to terms with this ordeal, which happened in July 2017.
Watering cans. I am going to need watering cans, and LOTS OF THEM! But first, it will probably make sense to reclaim the plant pots!
I have just left a kind of prison. I was never arrested, charged, tried or convicted. Yet still, for three months of my life, I lived, ‘imprisoned’. While I write this, I even ask myself: Do I mean this metaphorically? Initially, yes, I did. Then I reflect, on how I have lived, for those three small months.
Those months should have felt small, and they were (or will be) ‘small’, in the long run. In years to come, they will shrink down in significance, and the ‘footprint’ left by their boot, will be scaled into something similar to insignificance, by the great, green, giant months, which I will plant, and bring into full bloom, starting from today.
The day I moved out of that ‘homeless person’s temporary, interim accommodation’. A tower block, stretched like a club, into the sky. Not like the intricate, webbed branches of Trees, which seem to sing into the sky. No, the Tower Block pounds into the horizon like a ‘Thud’. The life within mine was stale.
Try comparing that to the life of an old Oak! Those Acorns are only part of the reason, that the Oak Tree harbours life, so much the opposite of stale. Try asking a Squirrel: “Oh, Squirrel, sir? Erm, I was wondering, who are you going to be feeding that nut to?”. To be frank, you might actually get more of an answer out of the Squirrel in your mind’s eye now, than you would get for an answer attempted by those empty, personless walls, around you in a Tower Block flat, or ‘holding cell’, while you wait to be rescued by the chance of a new home.
So no, I don’t mean ‘prison’, in the sense that I was literally behind bars. There is a darker, sadder, story behind my ending up in such a desperate place, though. I was a victim, yet in the (endless) months which followed the attack, I felt as though I were the one, being punished. Playing ‘prisoner’, while I await that trial, while I wait for the day some Crown Court Judge can somehow ‘lift’, from my shoulders, spirit and heart, that weight, the crushing weight, of dark cloud looming.
I am now free of the Tower Block ’emergency accommodation’. Now, I have a space, where I can begin to sleep again, live again, sing again, dance again, work again…
But most of all, now I have a place where I can GARDEN AGAIN!
We should all by now, know what this means! TIME…
TO DIG FOR VICTORY!
I sometimes wish there was a means of silencing that ‘magical’ human condition which most of us living are subjected to, sometimes with pleasant effects, but so often with bewilderingly painful and complicated ‘symptoms’. Love- what a brutal yet necessary force in our lives.
Don’t get me wrong, love can be beautiful. Love is beautiful. I’m certainly not unique in finding myself having to write about it, and forgive me for submitting to what feels a bit like a cliche. At moments, it can’t be helped though.
For me at the moment (hopefully not forever), love burns badly, in a way which I cannot adequately describe in words. It is burning at my core, in a way which is infringing on my ability to even function normally. Thus, leading to the emergence of an immense desire to ‘switch it off’, not necessarily permanently, but at least for long enough for me to be able to move on.
Loving someone so intensely never goes away, and perhaps i’m simply a slow learner in this subject area. I feel so new to the world of ‘getting over heartbreak’ and love ‘lost’. I don’t have practice… can anyone ever have the required level of ‘practice’ or ‘preparation’ to equip them well in dealing with chronically ‘unmet’ love pangs?
It really is downright difficult to imagine ever being able to find yourself, and your sense of wholeness once again, after you spent so long believing so strongly that you were only ‘complete’, when loved in return by a partner you adored. Adore, still, despite all the pain.
That thing people say, about ‘time being a great healer’… well, so far, it doesn’t feel like it’s nursing the wounds particularly breathtakingly, for me so far. It just seems to be making the hurt fester, and begin to blister. Perhaps this is an initial ‘necessary evil’, before scar tissue can begin to form, before gradually becoming smoother, eventually fading. This is desperate hope talking- I so sincerely long for the day that the scar tissue paves over the gaping hole.
I long to rebel against my ‘addiction’ to the person who can no longer return my love. This has surely got to mean some form of ‘progress’, at least that’s what i’m going to have to keep telling myself, for a very long time.
What if the ‘Internet‘, which we created, as humans, by ourselves…
Is actually a bit of a ‘Mental Illness’?
I’m just saying, what if?
Because, actually, when you really think about it (and yes, I am completely thrilled, to be aware of how Paradoxical an investment upon the mind it is, to deliver the content of this ONLINE blog, to the mind itself, so as to ask ‘you’ all to ‘read’ it….)
Just, have a little think about it maybe?
This is a RANT (meaning, I was angry when I began writing this, and I may say things which aren’t always 100% reflective of my more ‘professional’ character so to speak, and I must add now that I have no harmful intentions, by writing about matters which I feel need to be said, at least once. To someone, somewhere.
The above now being clarified, I will share with you what I wrote in September of 2017, earlier this year, in a very frustrated, hopeless and questioning time in my life.
Shall I begin…?
Never work for the NHS. It is a National Health NIGHTMARE, I am telling you now! It is so sad to have to say it, but never in my life, could I have even imagined how let down, broken, and fucked around I could possibly be. I knew it was bad, because many of my friends happen to be nurses. It really is the management, the lack of funding, direction, consistency and/or communication, which really fucks the whole thing right up.
Since I started working there, my life has fallen apart. I wish I could say otherwise, I truly do, but I can’t keep silent about this beast within the hive of that machine anymore. To stay silent, makes me want to rot to my core, and I’m pretty sure that mentally I have already done that. The Cancer patients we treated, they are already suffering the physical pain of rotting at the core, for themselves. It’s shit, and I hate that it is shit, but I cannot deny what I have seen.
Raped by a Staff Nurse. For F#%*’s Sake. Everyone is all so happy to be very hush hush and ‘I’m not allowed to comment on that’, about what ended up happening, and you know what? That isn’t alright, it really isn’t. I know you all want to save your own careers, and no one dares say a single thing out of line now, because look at the god damn example they have made out of me!
I genuinely accept, that this ‘may come across as a feeling’, and that ‘it really isn’t anything personal, it’s just the policy we have to follow’– I am telling you now, fuck, that shit. I ‘blew the whistle’ on your ward manager’s bad practice, the bullying, the belittling, the absolute SAND CASTLE.
That’s literally is all that is there- a perfect metaphor for the dead; a castle’s worth of absolute sand! A Hallam Shire, Actual Shire, of sand. Dusty and dead, with ground bones to be fed.
Sunday night update to the above ‘rant’, having now had a little bit more time to reflect, sleep, and try rebuilding life (admittedly, not straight forward)
I hate being offline, and apparently unable to save this writing, and/or even publish it on my blog, to get it off my chest and talk about! I cannot connect to the internet in this temporary flat, even via trying to set myself up via mobile ‘personal hotspots’, just to try and enable this bloody laptop to connect to the network provider. Argh! It is heavily frustrating to say the least.
Who knows if anyone will ever bother to read this, anyway, or be interested in it, for that matter? For all I know, I could just be sat here, typing away (angrily) to myself, with no one who has the time, energy, concentration (perhaps?), or spare time, quite frankly, to find a moment to slow down other thoughts, and ‘listen’ to mine, through what I write.
I guess my point is, that I don’t know for sure if anyone ever will read this, or find anything I have to say or think, or do, dance, sing, pray or whatever, even remotely interesting…
Yet, even if no-body ever does take anything meaningful from words I feel like I need to share, then at least in my own mind, I can rest slightly assured that the words were said in some way, and not just lost.
Flickered onto some horizon, ‘fragile thoughts’, which can of course be forgotten, or unspoken, unheard, pushed away and silenced. I find the idea of this ‘muffling out’ of human intellect, experience, intelligence and travelling through life together, quite excruciating, if I’m honest.
The countless thoughts, ideas, spirited and genius discoveries which could have, and maybe one day still do have the potential to ‘save the World’, or at least to protect life, and sustain it, to grow as a species which works WITH nature, rather than against it, and recognises the fact that yes, HELLO- humans are indeed intelligent, so why not start putting our heads together in a way which helps to FIX some of the problems and obstacles we face today in our interconnected, diverse, but essentially so very organic, lives, rather than constantly working against one another?
I am so very sick and tired of social isolation, and the feeling (unless it’s just me?) that nobody has anything they want to just say to each other anymore.
Like, the person sitting next to you on a bus, for example. Or walking down the street. Living in the flat below or above you in the tower block, or living beside you in your house or bungalow, shed, ship, tent or sleeping bag, castle or cave. The point I am making is that yes, we all like to nest in habitats as humans, and set up a little shelter, to call ‘our own’. It makes sense to do this for our very survival against the elements of nature, as we battle and continue to champion through the seasons as ‘victors’, due to the fact we are ‘the living’ and not the so called ‘dead’.
Fine, I totally understand that we like to protect what we as individuals, feel like we ‘own’, if that makes any sense whatsoever.
I want to write, and I want to write to you all, and speak to you all, hear all of your voices, and listen to what you have to say.
I just do not even know where to go to find out how I can best utilize this apparent ‘skill’ of mine. You try going to the so called ‘Job Centre’, and I’m telling you now, it is an absolute HOAX! There are no ‘jobs’ in the ‘centre’, of this City of Sheffield, so it seems sadly, to me.
You have to own, and I mean, actually have in your hand, a telephone, to phone someone in a call centre to try and bargain for an appointment to get some kind of ‘job seekers allowance’ money, towards helping you finance the cost of finding your own job in the first place!
How ridiculous a system is this!? I beg of the younger generations, and people, all people who live together, on whichever continent we happen to inhabit together, please can we just take a step back, have a ‘breather’ or a ‘fag break’, whatever it is we need to do, to just wake the fuck up and recognise, that we are here, and we exist, great.
We also share a planet with many other diverse and beautiful creatures and organisms, so have we all taken one moment to pause and reflect on that amazing, magnificent little fact, too?
Have you looked yet? Can you picture the Butterfly wings which I am imagining in my mind, or the lush green, softly waving stems which branch off from so many of our Trees and plants? The sky too, by the way, in case we have all forgotten, is rather impressive, and massive.
There’s my attempt at giving something an understatement for you- the Universe, is, by definition, absolutely frigging HUGE, COLOSSAL, GINORMOUS and quite frankly, but very much to the delight of our own hungry brains, it is incomprehensible. Unfathomable even.
Why have humans written so many stories, plays, books, religious scripts, and articles, do you imagine? It is because we were all so originally ‘flabbergasted’ (if that’s the right word to use here) by the very spectacle of life itself, and the bewildering wonder of the sky and all its stars, that we had to talk to each other to communicate, to experiment and observe, to learn and to come to understand, in the very first place, how we had even come to have found ourselves here, alive, breathing, dependent upon this body, and all the Earth’s resources needed to feed it so that it can function, to eat, reproduce, stay alive, and then ask yet more questions!
Of course, I have to add, we must also dance and sing, and drink fermented fruits of the trees and shrubs surrounding us (wine and beer, as I have come to understand it?), because we are so curious and interactive, in the first place. We have senses, actual senses like taste, touch, smell, sight, and hearing (Hearing is probably my own personal favourite here, I might add) with which to put to good use, and in any case, at least brew good tea, beer or wine, together.
I feel a bit better now I have got some of those things ‘off of my chest’. Writing, and reflecting in doing so, can be so helpful for one’s own mental health, and sense of self, direction, purpose, etc. Just thought this might be worth adding 😉