Pursuits of mental decay

So in recent years, it has become increasingly apparent that I cannot hide from my true self anymore. I mean this in the broad sense too, but this post concerns the more specific ‘paint drops’, which keep appearing in my ‘picture i’d like to paint to show off my worth/talent/whatever to others’. Like I pretend to be enjoying myself for excessively long stretches of precious time, when out with friends in a really shit bar, for example.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and their company.  It’s just the part of the terms and conditions; which involves listening to completely uninspiring and terminally depressed instruments being forced to squeeze out sounds which are positively indecorous.

I stand or I sit, try to dance myself out of the terrible inhuman electronic synth vocals, as if trying to ‘trick’ the music into thinking it might just have the potential to enable people to dance. It might receive a boost in self confidence just to simply fucking loose itself, burn the scripted trap it was previously bound into promoting. I want to find a means to inspire the music, to transcend it’s low self esteem and fear of the unknown- let loose, go totally off the modern day ‘conventional’ formula which has been beaten into it, and find it’s true self once again, as perhaps a moderately tolerable tune.

But then even my passion for dancing feels trampled upon. I eventually have to preserve the health of the gift bestowed upon me as a human- and therefore musical- being, and give up the lie.

Go sit in the smoking area, hope to find some people with a generous outlook on sharing Psychedelics, and loose myself chemically instead.

I do wonder, when i’m out at these sticky, hipster, ‘mainstream’ and ‘trendy’ drinking venues, how many other people in the room are also completely dumbfounded to find themselves having to ‘think secretly’ about how bad of a time it all is. You see these other people, groups of crude, sweaty, polo-shirted men, or women in heels and spider lashes who genuinely seem to be thoroughly enjoying themselves. And I wonder; what am I missing here? Am I just suffering from early onset apathy? Is there something clincally wrong with me, which makes me a ‘poor sport’?

I feel like a bad person for failing to find other people in these scenarios in interesting or even worth listening to. I want to be free to be more open minded, see past the shallowness of the primal human showcase put on to mask the real character hiding underneath the packaging.

Needed sharing, not stewing, did that little rant!








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