Over this last week, it became increasingly apparent that I was moving forwards from Depression. I suddenly had feelings again, I wasn’t under a bell jar, my surroundings were inviting me to recognize and enjoy them, again.
It is now, I am reminded by a former version of myself, that the truly hard bit starts. I’ve done this before and I can do it again, but i’m under no illusion that it won’t involve some effort. I seem to have emotional reactions which are proportionate and in sync with actual triggers.
This is a good sign, a very hard-hitting but good, sign. I realised I really do want to get well again, and re-kindle the fire of the ‘true Ellie’. Which is laughter, dancing, giving, caring, hoping, living.
So that’s why this bit is the hard part. Before, you’re under a weight so impounding, and so consuming, that everything which exists beyond that weight, becomes impossible to recognise. At least with Depression as commander-in-cheif, your thoughts were predictably nullifying, smothering and entirely negative. No unexpected, imcomprehensible language on the outside had any chance of getting past this brute of a dark cloud, filling every part of your body with sinister roots.
When it starts to shrink, you are suddenly reminded about all this other stuff on the outside, including the bitter medicine of reason and reflection. You start negotiations with Reality again, which includes what you have experienced, what you have done, who you have hurt, how did you get here?
Reality is a bit pissed off with you, as a matter of fact, because you have consistently ignored it’s metaphorical e-mails and phone calls. It has been trying to get hold of you for months now, and its’ patience has worn thin, so it is not best impressed. You get a bollocking from reality, for being so bloody rude and dismissive. It is extremely frustrated with you, and so you have to allow this frustration to pour out. Guilt and shame rain over you like a storm.
Reality is so pissed off, in this instance, that it needs to rant and rave at you angrily for days. You’re made to ‘atone’ for your doings, and to recognise intention behind the actions of others. See things how they actually are. It isn’t amusing, by any stretch, but my God, is it SOMETHING.
Healing is hard, and daunting. But you will find a way to do it, because you genuinely want to now, and soon you will reunite with your old friend, ‘stubborrness’. This re-found friend will give you a great deal of ‘NO, ONWARDS AND UPWARDS, SOLDIER’ type reminders, and it is perfect for this kind of work.
I’ve found a video on YouTube, which is turning out to be surprisingly useful:
I thought I may as well include it in the on-going blog stories, for future reference and for potential help to others. When you want it 🙂