This is a RANT (meaning, I was angry when I began writing this, and I may say things which aren’t always 100% reflective of my more ‘professional’ character so to speak, and I must add now that I have no harmful intentions, by writing about matters which I feel need to be said, at least once. To someone, somewhere.
The above now being clarified, I will share with you what I wrote in September of 2017, earlier this year, in a very frustrated, hopeless and questioning time in my life.
Shall I begin…?
Never work for the NHS. It is a National Health NIGHTMARE, I am telling you now! It is so sad to have to say it, but never in my life, could I have even imagined how let down, broken, and fucked around I could possibly be. I knew it was bad, because many of my friends happen to be nurses. It really is the management, the lack of funding, direction, consistency and/or communication, which really fucks the whole thing right up.
Since I started working there, my life has fallen apart. I wish I could say otherwise, I truly do, but I can’t keep silent about this beast within the hive of that machine anymore. To stay silent, makes me want to rot to my core, and I’m pretty sure that mentally I have already done that. The Cancer patients we treated, they are already suffering the physical pain of rotting at the core, for themselves. It’s shit, and I hate that it is shit, but I cannot deny what I have seen.
Raped by a Staff Nurse. For F#%*’s Sake. Everyone is all so happy to be very hush hush and ‘I’m not allowed to comment on that’, about what ended up happening, and you know what? That isn’t alright, it really isn’t. I know you all want to save your own careers, and no one dares say a single thing out of line now, because look at the god damn example they have made out of me!
I genuinely accept, that this ‘may come across as a feeling’, and that ‘it really isn’t anything personal, it’s just the policy we have to follow’– I am telling you now, fuck, that shit. I ‘blew the whistle’ on your ward manager’s bad practice, the bullying, the belittling, the absolute SAND CASTLE.
That’s literally is all that is there- a perfect metaphor for the dead; a castle’s worth of absolute sand! A Hallam Shire, Actual Shire, of sand. Dusty and dead, with ground bones to be fed.
Sunday night update to the above ‘rant’, having now had a little bit more time to reflect, sleep, and try rebuilding life (admittedly, not straight forward)
I hate being offline, and apparently unable to save this writing, and/or even publish it on my blog, to get it off my chest and talk about! I cannot connect to the internet in this temporary flat, even via trying to set myself up via mobile ‘personal hotspots’, just to try and enable this bloody laptop to connect to the network provider. Argh! It is heavily frustrating to say the least.
Who knows if anyone will ever bother to read this, anyway, or be interested in it, for that matter? For all I know, I could just be sat here, typing away (angrily) to myself, with no one who has the time, energy, concentration (perhaps?), or spare time, quite frankly, to find a moment to slow down other thoughts, and ‘listen’ to mine, through what I write.
I guess my point is, that I don’t know for sure if anyone ever will read this, or find anything I have to say or think, or do, dance, sing, pray or whatever, even remotely interesting…
Yet, even if no-body ever does take anything meaningful from words I feel like I need to share, then at least in my own mind, I can rest slightly assured that the words were said in some way, and not just lost.
Flickered onto some horizon, ‘fragile thoughts’, which can of course be forgotten, or unspoken, unheard, pushed away and silenced. I find the idea of this ‘muffling out’ of human intellect, experience, intelligence and travelling through life together, quite excruciating, if I’m honest.
The countless thoughts, ideas, spirited and genius discoveries which could have, and maybe one day still do have the potential to ‘save the World’, or at least to protect life, and sustain it, to grow as a species which works WITH nature, rather than against it, and recognises the fact that yes, HELLO- humans are indeed intelligent, so why not start putting our heads together in a way which helps to FIX some of the problems and obstacles we face today in our interconnected, diverse, but essentially so very organic, lives, rather than constantly working against one another?
I am so very sick and tired of social isolation, and the feeling (unless it’s just me?) that nobody has anything they want to just say to each other anymore.
Like, the person sitting next to you on a bus, for example. Or walking down the street. Living in the flat below or above you in the tower block, or living beside you in your house or bungalow, shed, ship, tent or sleeping bag, castle or cave. The point I am making is that yes, we all like to nest in habitats as humans, and set up a little shelter, to call ‘our own’. It makes sense to do this for our very survival against the elements of nature, as we battle and continue to champion through the seasons as ‘victors’, due to the fact we are ‘the living’ and not the so called ‘dead’.
Fine, I totally understand that we like to protect what we as individuals, feel like we ‘own’, if that makes any sense whatsoever.
I want to write, and I want to write to you all, and speak to you all, hear all of your voices, and listen to what you have to say.
I just do not even know where to go to find out how I can best utilize this apparent ‘skill’ of mine. You try going to the so called ‘Job Centre’, and I’m telling you now, it is an absolute HOAX! There are no ‘jobs’ in the ‘centre’, of this City of Sheffield, so it seems sadly, to me.
You have to own, and I mean, actually have in your hand, a telephone, to phone someone in a call centre to try and bargain for an appointment to get some kind of ‘job seekers allowance’ money, towards helping you finance the cost of finding your own job in the first place!
How ridiculous a system is this!? I beg of the younger generations, and people, all people who live together, on whichever continent we happen to inhabit together, please can we just take a step back, have a ‘breather’ or a ‘fag break’, whatever it is we need to do, to just wake the fuck up and recognise, that we are here, and we exist, great.
We also share a planet with many other diverse and beautiful creatures and organisms, so have we all taken one moment to pause and reflect on that amazing, magnificent little fact, too?
Have you looked yet? Can you picture the Butterfly wings which I am imagining in my mind, or the lush green, softly waving stems which branch off from so many of our Trees and plants? The sky too, by the way, in case we have all forgotten, is rather impressive, and massive.
There’s my attempt at giving something an understatement for you- the Universe, is, by definition, absolutely frigging HUGE, COLOSSAL, GINORMOUS and quite frankly, but very much to the delight of our own hungry brains, it is incomprehensible. Unfathomable even.
Why have humans written so many stories, plays, books, religious scripts, and articles, do you imagine? It is because we were all so originally ‘flabbergasted’ (if that’s the right word to use here) by the very spectacle of life itself, and the bewildering wonder of the sky and all its stars, that we had to talk to each other to communicate, to experiment and observe, to learn and to come to understand, in the very first place, how we had even come to have found ourselves here, alive, breathing, dependent upon this body, and all the Earth’s resources needed to feed it so that it can function, to eat, reproduce, stay alive, and then ask yet more questions!
Of course, I have to add, we must also dance and sing, and drink fermented fruits of the trees and shrubs surrounding us (wine and beer, as I have come to understand it?), because we are so curious and interactive, in the first place. We have senses, actual senses like taste, touch, smell, sight, and hearing (Hearing is probably my own personal favourite here, I might add) with which to put to good use, and in any case, at least brew good tea, beer or wine, together.
I feel a bit better now I have got some of those things ‘off of my chest’. Writing, and reflecting in doing so, can be so helpful for one’s own mental health, and sense of self, direction, purpose, etc. Just thought this might be worth adding 😉