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Lost For Words

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I haven’t written anything for a long time now. Life events have had me lost for words, but i’m making a conscious decision now. It’s time to allow the words to flow.

I cannot keep on ‘hiding’ behind my fear. Fear is a terrible place to hide behind, because fear is extremely obvious!

Note to self- If I want to hide behind something, opt for something a little more discreet, perhaps. Hiding behind courage, might be somewhere for me to start.

So I will start again there…

Courage

Not the absence of fear or despair
But the strength to conquer them.

I have a good friend to thank, for once gifting me with these words. It’s about time that I finally found out how to use them!

rowett and his sunflowers

shape abstraction again


Like I did say, I am lost for words.

Perhaps
All I needed to proclaim, was this   ;


Lonely Saturday

It’s been a while since I have been able to write on my blog. I’m going to have to give an honest account of this. My ‘spark’ has been snuffed out, over this last year. Particularly over the past three months.

I feel alone. It’s quite sad, and scary to admit this. I feel as though I have isolated myself, far too much.

I love my friends and my family. Of course, i’d like to imagine they love me right back! I just feel sorry that if my own sadness, and mental health ailment- for wont of a better word- has affected and hurt others. Because it must be really, really damn hard, to try and get one’s head around the fact, that I have found myself on occasions, feeling so low, helpless and burdensome to all those around me, that I felt I needed to end my own life, just to put a stop to all the misery, the upset, and the ‘chaos’ I felt I was inflicting on other people.

Just by being me.
Myself.

Ellie.

I feel like a wreck of my former self.  I used to like living.

How bad to myself can I even get?

I seem to be intent on punishing myself  for the hurt people have caused me, and for the hurt …

See now i’m thinking.

I am beginning to recognize that by hurting myself,

by putting myself in situations where I am vulnerable,

I only fulfill a kind of predetermined  death certificate, for which, I sometimes forget my own reason to live.

This will sound ‘crazy’ to readers, i’m imagining. Of course it is completely ridiculous, in terms of logic and common sense, ‘survival of the fittest’ (and all that jazz), but for me, I can confidently suspect that I am not alone in this.

I cannot be alone in all of this turmoil.

In SUM:
I WILL SURVIVE.

I WILL

I WILL

I WILL.

windowsill sunflower

Just like the seed, which perseveres beneath that soil, to eventually sprout and bloom into growth, of a new life, and a new Sunflower (in this particular case of the above seedling photo, anyway!).