It’s been a while since I have been able to write on my blog. I’m going to have to give an honest account of this. My ‘spark’ has been snuffed out, over this last year. Particularly over the past three months.
I feel alone. It’s quite sad, and scary to admit this. I feel as though I have isolated myself, far too much.
I love my friends and my family. Of course, i’d like to imagine they love me right back! I just feel sorry that if my own sadness, and mental health ailment- for wont of a better word- has affected and hurt others. Because it must be really, really damn hard, to try and get one’s head around the fact, that I have found myself on occasions, feeling so low, helpless and burdensome to all those around me, that I felt I needed to end my own life, just to put a stop to all the misery, the upset, and the ‘chaos’ I felt I was inflicting on other people.
Just by being me.
I feel like a wreck of my former self. I used to like living.
How bad to myself can I even get?
I seem to be intent on punishing myself for the hurt people have caused me, and for the hurt …
See now i’m thinking.
I am beginning to recognize that by hurting myself,
by putting myself in situations where I am vulnerable,
I only fulfill a kind of predetermined death certificate, for which, I sometimes forget my own reason to live.
This will sound ‘crazy’ to readers, i’m imagining. Of course it is completely ridiculous, in terms of logic and common sense, ‘survival of the fittest’ (and all that jazz), but for me, I can confidently suspect that I am not alone in this.
I cannot be alone in all of this turmoil.
I WILL SURVIVE.
Just like the seed, which perseveres beneath that soil, to eventually sprout and bloom into growth, of a new life, and a new Sunflower (in this particular case of the above seedling photo, anyway!).