Tag Archives: survival

Chronic love pangs

I sometimes wish there was a means of silencing that ‘magical’ human condition which most of us living are subjected to, sometimes with pleasant effects, but so often with bewilderingly painful and complicated ‘symptoms’. Love- what a brutal yet necessary force in our lives.

Don’t get me wrong, love can be beautiful. Love is beautiful. I’m certainly not unique in finding myself having to write about it, and forgive me for submitting to what feels a bit like a cliche. At moments, it can’t be helped though.

For me at the moment (hopefully not forever), love burns badly, in a way which I cannot adequately describe in words. It is burning at my core, in a way which is infringing on my ability to even function normally. Thus, leading to the emergence of an immense desire to ‘switch it off’, not necessarily permanently, but at least for long enough for me to be able to move on.

Loving someone so intensely never goes away, and perhaps i’m simply a slow learner in this subject area. I feel so new to the world of ‘getting over heartbreak’ and love ‘lost’. I don’t have practice… can anyone ever have the required level of ‘practice’ or ‘preparation’ to equip them well in dealing with chronically ‘unmet’ love pangs?

It really is downright difficult to imagine ever being able to find yourself, and your sense of wholeness once again, after you spent so long believing so strongly that you were only ‘complete’, when loved in return by a partner you adored. Adore, still, despite all the pain.

That thing people say, about ‘time being a great healer’… well, so far, it doesn’t feel like it’s nursing the wounds particularly breathtakingly, for me so far. It just seems to be making the hurt fester, and begin to blister. Perhaps this is an initial ‘necessary evil’, before scar tissue can begin to form, before gradually becoming smoother, eventually fading. This is desperate hope talking- I so sincerely long for the day that the scar tissue paves over the gaping hole.

I long to rebel against my ‘addiction’ to the person who can no longer return my love. This has surely got to mean some form of ‘progress’, at least that’s what i’m going to have to keep telling myself, for a very long time.


 

Rant Arrears

Disclaimer/Warning:

This is a RANT (meaning, I was angry when I began writing this, and I may say things which aren’t always 100% reflective of my more ‘professional’ character so to speak, and I must add now that I have no harmful intentions, by writing about matters which I feel need to be said, at least once. To someone, somewhere.

 

The above now being clarified, I will share with you what I wrote in September of 2017, earlier this year, in a very frustrated, hopeless and questioning time in my life.

Shall I begin…?

Never work for the NHS. It is a National Health NIGHTMARE, I am telling you now! It is so sad to have to say it, but never in my life, could I have even imagined how let down, broken, and fucked around I could possibly be. I knew it was bad, because many of my friends happen to be nurses. It really is the management, the lack of funding, direction, consistency and/or communication, which really fucks the whole thing right up.

Since I started working there, my life has fallen apart. I wish I could say otherwise, I truly do, but I can’t keep silent about this beast within the hive of that machine anymore. To stay silent, makes me want to rot to my core, and I’m pretty sure that mentally I have already done that. The Cancer patients we treated, they are already suffering the physical pain of rotting at the core, for themselves. It’s shit, and I hate that it is shit, but I cannot deny what I have seen.

Raped by a Staff Nurse. For F#%*’s Sake. Everyone is all so happy to be very hush hush and ‘I’m not allowed to comment on that’, about what ended up happening, and you know what? That isn’t alright, it really isn’t. I know you all want to save your own careers, and no one dares say a single thing out of line now, because look at the god damn example they have made out of me!

I genuinely accept, that this ‘may come across as a feeling’, and that ‘it really isn’t anything personal, it’s just the policy we have to follow’– I am telling you now, fuck, that shit. I ‘blew the whistle’ on your ward manager’s bad practice, the bullying, the belittling, the absolute SAND CASTLE.

That’s literally is all that is there- a perfect metaphor for the dead; a castle’s worth of absolute sand! A Hallam Shire, Actual Shire, of sand. Dusty and dead, with ground bones to be fed.

 

 

 

 


26/11/2017

Sunday night update to the above ‘rant’, having now had a little bit more time to reflect, sleep, and try rebuilding life (admittedly, not straight forward)

I hate being offline, and apparently unable to save this writing, and/or even publish it on my blog, to get it off my chest and talk about! I cannot connect to the internet in this temporary flat, even via trying to set myself up via mobile ‘personal hotspots’, just to try and enable this bloody laptop to connect to the network provider. Argh! It is heavily frustrating to say the least.

Who knows if anyone will ever bother to read this, anyway, or be interested in it, for that matter? For all I know, I could just be sat here, typing away (angrily) to myself, with no one who has the time, energy, concentration (perhaps?), or spare time, quite frankly, to find a moment to slow down other thoughts, and ‘listen’ to mine, through what I write.

I guess my point is, that I don’t know for sure if anyone ever will read this, or find anything I have to say or think, or do, dance, sing, pray or whatever, even remotely interesting…

Yet, even if no-body ever does take anything meaningful from words I feel like I need to share, then at least in my own mind, I can rest slightly assured that the words were said in some way, and not just lost.

Flickered onto some horizon, ‘fragile thoughts’, which can of course be forgotten, or unspoken, unheard, pushed away and silenced. I find the idea of this ‘muffling out’ of human intellect, experience, intelligence and travelling through life together, quite excruciating, if I’m honest.

 

The countless thoughts, ideas, spirited and genius discoveries which could have, and maybe one day still do have the potential to ‘save the World’, or at least to protect life, and sustain it, to grow as a species which works WITH nature, rather than against it, and recognises the fact that yes, HELLO- humans are indeed intelligent, so why not start putting our heads together in a way which helps to FIX some of the problems and obstacles we face today in our interconnected, diverse, but essentially so very organic, lives, rather than constantly working against one another?

I am so very sick and tired of social isolation, and the feeling (unless it’s just me?) that nobody has anything they want to just say to each other anymore.

Like, the person sitting next to you on a bus, for example. Or walking down the street. Living in the flat below or above you in the tower block, or living beside you in your house or bungalow, shed, ship, tent or sleeping bag, castle or cave. The point I am making is that yes, we all like to nest in habitats as humans, and set up a little shelter, to call ‘our own’. It makes sense to do this for our very survival against the elements of nature, as we battle and continue to champion through the seasons as ‘victors’, due to the fact we are ‘the living’ and not the so called ‘dead’.

Fine, I totally understand that we like to protect what we as individuals, feel like we ‘own’, if that makes any sense whatsoever.


Dear World,

I want to write, and I want to write to you all, and speak to you all, hear all of your voices, and listen to what you have to say.

I just do not even know where to go to find out how I can best utilize this apparent ‘skill’ of mine. You try going to the so called ‘Job Centre’, and I’m telling you now, it is an absolute HOAX! There are no ‘jobs’ in the ‘centre’, of this City of Sheffield, so it seems sadly, to me.

You have to own, and I mean, actually have in your hand, a telephone, to phone someone in a call centre to try and bargain for an appointment to get some kind of ‘job seekers allowance’ money, towards helping you finance the cost of finding your own job in the first place!

How ridiculous a system is this!? I beg of the younger generations, and people, all people who live together, on whichever continent we happen to inhabit together, please can we just take a step back, have a ‘breather’ or a ‘fag break’, whatever it is we need to do, to just wake the fuck up and recognise, that we are here, and we exist, great.

We also share a planet with many other diverse and beautiful creatures and organisms, so have we all taken one moment to pause and reflect on that amazing, magnificent little fact, too?

 

Have you looked yet? Can you picture the Butterfly wings which I am imagining in my mind, or the lush green, softly waving stems which branch off from so many of our Trees and plants? The sky too, by the way, in case we have all forgotten, is rather impressive, and massive.

There’s my attempt at giving something an understatement for you- the Universe, is, by definition, absolutely frigging HUGE, COLOSSAL, GINORMOUS and quite frankly, but very much to the delight of our own hungry brains, it is incomprehensible. Unfathomable even.

Why have humans written so many stories, plays, books, religious scripts, and articles, do you imagine? It is because we were all so originally ‘flabbergasted’ (if that’s the right word to use here) by the very spectacle of life itself, and the bewildering wonder of the sky and all its stars, that we had to talk to each other to communicate, to experiment and observe, to learn and to come to understand, in the very first place, how we had even come to have found ourselves here, alive, breathing, dependent upon this body, and all the Earth’s resources needed to feed it so that it can function, to eat, reproduce, stay alive, and then ask yet more questions!
Of course, I have to add, we must also dance and sing, and drink fermented fruits of the trees and shrubs surrounding us (wine and beer, as I have come to understand it?), because we are so curious and interactive, in the first place. We have senses, actual senses like taste, touch, smell, sight, and hearing (Hearing is probably my own personal favourite here, I might add) with which to put to good use, and in any case, at least brew good tea, beer or wine, together.

moving on statement


Polite note:

I feel a bit better now I have got some of those things ‘off of my chest’. Writing, and reflecting in doing so, can be so helpful for one’s own mental health, and sense of self, direction, purpose, etc. Just thought this might be worth adding 😉

Top tips for people in dips

This post will constantly be subject to additional tips, as they are acquirred through the process of living, and learning new survival mechanisms. Please feel free to add any of your own tips in the comments box!

Mental health- it is completely synonymous with physical health. The mental is the physical, and the physical is also mental. So just to get this straight, everyone alive has mental health. Therefore, everyone alive exists in a constant flux of good health, poor health, and the bits in between. Mental illness can happen to anybody. Just as illnesses like Flu, or Tonsillitis, impact on our livelihoods, due to a dip in ‘good health’, so too do Mental Health afflictions affect us. Some perhaps, more than others, but all the same, any stigma needs to be stamped out, before anyone can engage with this post meaningfully, and benefit from it.


Crisis- how to save yourself from suicide

Speak
Write it down, tell someone, send out your distress flares before you become unable to ask for help (because by that point, you’ve already finalised your decision, haven’t you, so if it’s going to be a success, it will have to be a silent one).

Change your surroundings
So if you can get yourself to a safe place for a night, even if it’s completely the harder thing to do, then you can think again. Also, actually ending up in A&E with ‘Suicidal Thoughts’, isn’t at all uncommon. You won’t be the first, and you won’t be the last person to go there, believe me. It’s through A&E that there is a guarantee (unless you make a dash for it) you will have to be seen by the Crisis Team at some point, and thus help speed along referrals for proper mental health intervention and recovery.

But you can change your surroundings in other ways of course. Go to a friend’s, or a random place, wherever you can. Because you need to remove yourself from the area in which you were imagining, plotting, and preparing for a suicide. You can still go back to it, but you need to escape that area, and put yourself in a different area, for at least the time being.

Call for help
I know that in reality, this piece of standardized advice doesn’t necessarily give you any answers. In the middle of attempting to take your own life, or before you begin to, ringing 999/911 (or whichever the relevant area code may be) doesn’t instantly throw itself at you as a plan of action, does it!? But you always, ALWAYS, need that one extra sleep, just one more day, to actually know you want to do this. For real.

Get lost on purpose
Even if you are literally on the way to the place you have decided to die, take a new route. Know that you can still get to where you want to be, to finalise the act still, but you may as well go an unusual way, so as to see just a few more scenes before you can never see them again.

This saved my life once. I drove out to the place, and I had a CD on in my car. I had the ropes, the scalpel, the cocktail and the note. But I took an obscure route, and during this journey, I managed to realise that now was not the time. Plus, it was already getting dark, so by the time i’d reached my destination, i’d not be able to see what I was doing properly anyway. So I had to find my way back, and thus had to think outside of ‘the plan’, to figure out my bearings, and which roads looked most likely to take me back home.

Pointless Walking
Even better if you can get lost while walking. Going for a pointless walk, or even the last walk of your life, it will never fail you in it’s ability to allow you to think of other thoughts. Take you to ‘imagination land’ or whatever you want to call it, whilst simultaneously exercising and therefore stimulating endorphins and those neurotransmitters- sweet Serotonin and Dopamine- which seem to have gone AWOL, pre-walk. They will at the very least, give you some form of release from the emotional trap you were in before you started walking.

Music is truly a saviour
Get a sound happening. Any sound. Music you know you enjoy, or might enjoy, or perhaps suddenly realise: ‘I guess I may as well listen to that before I die”, when it comes to venturing into a new realm of sounds. Listen, dance, sing, do whatever you need, just let the music have a say first. It is truly a magnificent drug.

Play an instrument
If you have the luck of knowing how to read music, and have an instrument to hand (remember, your vocal chords are an instrument too!), then play it. Make yourself play it well, and concentrate on reading the notes, follwing the rules of timing and intensity, if only to challenge yourself. It will distract you.

Find an animal
Get your pet, if you have one. Go out and find a field full of Sheep, or anything, and just watch them do what they do for a little while. Know that they aren’t thinking about you, and your desire to die- they are just getting on with it in their own way. But animals are theraputic just to watch, or to touch, and they are wise beyond words for transmitting their silent reflections.

Medicate
Now here’s a controversial one. There will be countless screams of ‘you can’t advise someone who is that vunerable to go and take medication/drugs of unpredictable side effects’, or whatever. Drugging yourself is definitely not ideal. No shit, Sherlock. But if you are about to take your own life, then the outcomes of both dangerous decisions are not ideal. One is final, the other perhaps not.

If you know of a thing you can take, or get hold of, which will change your state of mind, then get it. I know I should not advocate the misuse of drugs, or doing things which are ‘illegal’ (more on that subject matter later), but mind altering substances can save your life, too.

Obviously, there will most likely be a comedown. Once you’re free of intoxification, your mind will indeed be vulnerable. You may feel worse, even. But you will still be alive, and live that extra day before you do it. Try and allow yourself to change your mind.

At least plant some seeds before you go
I mean, it’d be almost rude not to. You’ve benefitted from the Oxygen needed for Respiration all the way through your life up until now, so you owe it to the plants and trees, to at least give them more life, before you take your own.

Amazingly, the planting of these seeds is a perfect way to self-soothe. Gardening, soil, seedlings and engaging with nature, is theraputic and distracting beyond mere words of my testimony. You can perhaps say to yourself, ‘i’ll let this seed sprout up above the soil, and help it become strong enough to plant it out’, before you end that opportunity. Gardening saves lives. I genuinely know this.

Lash out
Preferably, not against yourself. I don’t care if you have to punch walls, smash plates, scream at the top of your lungs and/or run for your life. Physically do SOMETHING. Please don’t hurt others, but please make sure you engage in something physically relieving (or challenging), if it can stop you from the act of Suicide.

Dance it out
Again, humanity’s most loyal and beloved friend, music, comes into the play here. Listen to some rhythm, and then close your eyes, and let that rhythm lead your body into shapes and movements like it is a puppet, played by a sound.

In the words of Friedrick Nietzsche:
“We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.”

Seek out words of wisdom

“Kiss a lover,
Dance a measure,
Find your name
And buried treasure.

Face your life,
It’s pain,
It’s pleasure,
Leave no path untaken.”  – Neil Gaiman, The Graveyard Book